Five Stages of Deconstruction
Kübler-Ross wrote the book “On Death and Dying” in which she proposed the ‘Five Stages of Grief’: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This is a process I studied ad nauseam when working through getting my degree in social work and in recognizing it in my own life as it pertained to loss through death. As I have been deconstructing my faith, I recognize how it can also apply to losing such a huge part of my history and identity.
Denial looked like going to a lot of different churches at the end and trying to find somewhere that looked and sounded right or at least true and not finding it but keeping on attending a lot of different churches waiting for what I was missing.
Anger looked like feeling lied to and leaving completely and being bitter and angry and betrayed. It felt like dismantling the patriarchy and harmful teachings of purity culture and misinformed and dangerous lies that persons in the LGTBQ+ community were “living in sin” and not completely loved and beautiful. It meant dismantling the permeating belief that if something bad happens to me or if I was sick or poor it was because I wasn’t praying or giving enough and being enraged I was taught to believe that in the first place.
Bargaining looked like trying to postpone my complete departure by quoting scripture or saying the “right things” to my still-church-going friends to avoid conflict. It looked like trying different religions and mentalities to continue attempting to feel connected to something I didn’t believe in anymore, because if I didn’t believe in it then who am I and where do I fit?
Depression looked like does this mean I’m going to hell and I’ve made a mistake? Depression looked like people turning their back on you who were friends for years because they weren’t actually friends but allies in clinging to stagnant teaching and harmful theology while we all refused to look at the man behind the curtain. It looked like not understanding who I was any more or my role in my family and losing the consistent community and routine I had always known.
Acceptance looks like knowing that I made the decision that was right for me and feeling more in truth and peace and love than ever before. Acceptance looks like finding new community and loving people regardless of background, belief, sexual orientation or pronoun. It looks like accepting myself for all of me and casting off harmful purity culture and having an intimate and loving relationship with a partner who is perfect for me. It looks like not worrying what other people think and being faithful and true to myself and those I love.
Like in physical grief, this emotional grief and understanding of self doesn’t always sit in perfect acceptance. It jumps at times back to anger and back to bargaining and back to depression, but having been through those stages, acceptance becomes easier and easier to find.
