Conundrum
This may read as a stream of consciousness as I am attempting to process.
For context: I have sexual trauma in my past, I am currently a massage therapist, and I used to be a social worker.
Yesterday, I was having a normal, chill day at work until my last client. My last client was male and proceeded to cross soooo many boundaries, while gaslighting me the entire time. This may feel like TMI, and there is a trigger warning as this post will talk about sexually traumatic themes as I process, so feel free to use your discretion in continuing.
This client exposed himself and also ejaculated on the massage table. This is COMPLETELY unacceptable, and yet, the way he was using terminology made me feel confused and like I needed to continue working on him, even though by the end of the session when I left the room I immediately felt sick, confused, and angry. He was overexplaining that he had a hip surgery prior and had been experiencing chronic pain, predominantly in his inner thigh and adductors, which can have some truth to it, however, it went too far in too many ways. There is NEVER a reason to expose yourself, and doing so while trying to remain innocent like you were only trying to show a problem area does not excuse it. Once he had turned over, the sheets already had a wet spot and after I left the room he took 15 minutes to leave the room, and yes, he was doing what you think he was doing…
I let my manager and the front desk know the situation, which means that the client was “red-flagged” in the system, which basically signals this person can never book with our establishment again. And that was it.
Here are my concerns and feelings though, as I am trying to work through and process what I am feeling and learning, and as someone who has experienced sexual assault in my background. I am being re-traumatized continuously (I have been a massage therapist for two years next month, and this is my third “creepy client” as they are referred to, all have been male) and each time, it takes me a minimum of a month to get over feeling unsafe at work each time I see a male has booked with me. I know that the majority of men are safe, and I do not have issues with most of my male clients, but when this is happening on a semi-regular basis, it is hard to feel safe.
I am also having an extremely difficult time in processing that basically nothing happens to these people except they can’t book at your in particular establishment, in ANY OTHER PROFESSION besides sex work and honestly being a nurse or doctor, this would be a means of job termination and probable jail time, and yet, here we just have to take it and move on. Even within the context of massage school when we are being taught safety and how to defend ourselves, it is still accepted as something that almost definitely will happen, so we need to be prepared.
I was underprepared for how this would make me feel and how it would mess with my psyche, especially as a former victim and as a social worker who worked predominately with victims of sexual and physical abuse. I did think, briefly, before starting that this may not be a safe profession for me, but I allowed the desire to re-teach safe touch and bring healing to others to project over this mentality. This is why I got into massage therapy in the first place, to find a way to promote healing and safety within the body, predominately for people who have experienced sexual abuse and are trying to work towards feeling safe in their body again. The IRONY of then working this profession and being victimized again and being more afraid of men than I have in years is not lost on me.
My impulse is to leave the field, but my frustration and anger at having to feel like I am “running away” is a nagging incessant background. However, in another profession, this same act could result in jail time, and I also can’t get over that fact. The fact that I filed sexual harrassment in a previous job on a former supervisor and was moved to another company for texting an inappropriate comment is not forgotten, and that comparably is not anywhere near on this level, and yet, this client faces basically no repercussions. How do I continue to stay in a profession where my intent is to help others re-learn safe touch, when I myself do not feel safe?
